When I grow up...

For my business class, I have to write a paper talking about my interest in running a private practice.  I've been thinking for a couple of days about the potential of me one day owning my own practice.  As I sit here this morning, sipping on my second cup of coffee (I've been up since 6am and couldn't go back to sleep...),  one word keeps coming into my head: children.  I'll come back to the topic of private practice later, but let me catch you up really quick.

I have been going to school since I was 6 - kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school, college, and now graduate school.  I've been married for 3 1/2 years.  I took a year off between college and graduate school because I thought I was ready to have a family.  During that time, I realized that I wasn't ready emotionally or financially to start a family.  After talking it over with my husband, I decided to go back to graduate school and get my doctorate.  Then, one year afterwards I started to feel guilty.  Then a year later, and a year later.  I kept doubting myself and the choice I made to get my degree.  My husband has supported me throughout graduate school, but I felt that I was withholding from him the joy of having children.  Even though he was behind me going to school, why did I feel so guilty?  The bible has a few things to say about this:

"Children are a heritage from the Lord" - Psalm 127:3

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above" - James 1:17

"Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God" - Mark 10:14

"Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers" - Proverbs 17:6

"Be fruitful and multiply over all the earth" - Genesis 1:28

"I have no greater joy than to hear my children are walking in truth" - 3 John 1:4

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children" - Psalm 113:9

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." - Jeremiah 1:5

Also, Sarai (Sarah) and Hannah were both barren, but were faithful to God and he opened their wombs so that they could bear children.

Okay, so you get the point.  

I've been reading a book called "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll.  I'm only a few chapters into the book, but one thing that has really ripped on my heart is the chapter on men.  Mark rips on men and the different personalities that men have and how it works in a marriage.  This is not what's pulling at my heart.  What is, however, is the gentleness in the way he speaks of women.  I've never heard someone speak so sweetly of women.  Sure, I've read the scriptures from Ephesians about the husband loving his wife as Christ loves the church, and so on.  But I've never had it right in front of my face in plain English.  As Christian women, we have three main responsibilities: to be a follower of Christ, to be a wife, and to be a mother.  That's it.  

So, back to private practice.  I attend a state-regulated university.  Writing my paper with the response "I don't want to go into private practice because I love Jesus and my husband and I want to honor them by having children and owning a private practice will mean working 12 hours a day and being broke for five years and I don't want someone else raising my children so that I can be a businesswoman and own my own practice and be so stressed that when I'm at home all I think about is my job and how to make money so that my business doesn't go bankrupt" will probably not get me a good grade.  That will also only take up a couple of lines of the many I have to write.  Truthfully,  the thought of someone else raising my kids scares me to death.  I'm not talking about them being in a daycare...I'm talking about me having a baby, being off for 6 weeks, and then going to work 8-5 while my mom or my mother-in-law takes care of my baby until it's old enough to go to pre-k or kindergarten.  No offense to my mom or mother-in-law, because they're both excellent mothers, but I want to be able to raise my own children like they raised their children.  I want them to know me as their mother. I want to witness their first steps, their first words, and all of the joys and pains of motherhood.  

Going into private practice is not my only option.  I can work in a clinic, a hospital, an ENT office, a school, and other places.  I've thought about working full time, part time, or contracting out my services.  All three are good options, and each one has its pros and cons.  But I still don't know if that's the right path for me. 

So what - I get my doctorate and then become a stay at home wife/mom, wasting 8 years of college?  This is where it gets fuzzy.  I have NO IDEA what I should do.  I'm basically taking it one day at a time, and I'm putting the pressure on God to give me the vision of what his will is for me.  Yes, people do have children while they're in college, but traveling to Houston for clinic while being pregnant and having to be off for 6 weeks and then make up the time wasn't something my husband and I wanted me to do. 

This is my last semester of classes.  In June, I will start my one year externship at Lamar University and I'll graduate in May 2013.  Although I've thought about backing out at least twice during grad school, I'm so happy that my husband pushed me to finish and I know that I will be so excited to walk across the stage and receive my Doctorate of Audiology in a year and a half. 

Life is good.  God is greater!

Rae